Saintsmourn

[giveanything]

"Bless me father, for I have sinned," the words tumbled past his lips, ingrained in the well worn pathways of his memory from the years he'd spent in catechism and as an altar boy. Not that Liam was devout anymore -- how could he be, given what he'd become, given what he did and continued to do. The confessional booth was small and dark, light filtering in only dimly through the door and its screen that kept him hidden from the sanctuary beyond and from the priest he assumed would be on the other side.

"It has been... a very long time since my last confession."

What was he doing here? This was ridiculous. He couldn't possibly expect forgiveness and absolution. There had to be true repentance for that, real contrition, and Liam knew he couldn't manage either. He hated what he did, despised every moment of it, but he wouldn't stop. He couldn't stop. The price for disobeying was far too severe, and he would not be the one to pay it. The price for his disobedience and his failure would be paid by his brother, and he couldn't live with that.

So William had made his choice, made it again and again, putting that one life ahead of so many others. And oh he was good at what he did, talented at ruining people, in shattering whatever it was in a human being that kept their souls in place, until they were ready to throw it away. His watcher commended him for it, in a sick and sadistic sort of amusement.

Today's lost soul had been... fuck. It had been hard. She was young, barely nineteen, and her road had already been a hard one. He'd played the game with her for the past few weeks, insinuating darkness and doubt into the cracks of that already-battered soul. Today. Today she'd shattered, and there would be no recovering from it. Another soul for the demon who owned him.

He could feel the panic rising up in his chest, cold and hard and threatening to freeze his lungs so he couldn't draw in enough breath. In the dimness and silence of the confessional, all the carefully constructed walls and facades trembled and fell away. Gone were the easy smiles and quite literal devil-may-care attitude, all the charisma and charm that he relied on in his cursed excuse for a job. It was him and his breathing and the silence and the faceless priest in the chamber beside him. Liam wondered if he could hear the panic in his breathing.

"I... sorry. This was a mistake. I should go. I'm sorry, Father, for wasting your time."

Comments

[giveanything]

"Maurice would be an excellent influence on me. What do you say, kitty cat? Want to come home with me? Why don't you go pack your little feline suitcase, and I'll pick you up here when I drop the good priest. ...unless we can convince him to come home with us too." He looked from cat to man and winked at him.

"We shall. Right this way, Father."

That said, Liam waited for Riley to fall in beside him before heading off. The seaside was in walking distance, though it would take them a little while to get to the particular spot he had in mind for their picnic. "You're not afraid of heights, right?"

[eblouissant]

"Well if Maurice plays his cards right, I could come over for a visit here and there.. and bring salmon."

The way that Riley tugged at his lower lip with his teeth would be daunting for even the most straight and narrow person, but this was Liam and he was perhaps sorely underestimating the level of temptation that was likely going to grow stronger with each moment they were together.

"I grew up in Virginia, within Appalachia-- I think that you don't have to worry about myself having an excessive fear of heights." Riley said with a chuckle, though he did not dare wink, there was something about him that wanted to be playful but feared unleashing something that neither of them could control or reign back in.

"However, I did forget my walking stick but I'm not too shabby at the balance game." he may have to hold onto Liam's jacket however.

[giveanything]

"You hear that, Maurice? Best behavior."

No yeah, Riley was testing all of Liam's (not very impressive) self-control with the biting at his lower lip and the looking like, well, what he looked like. The priest was unfairly attractive, in each and every sense of the word.

Another chuckle. "That a fact? Well, I'm here to lean on if you need it. I won't let you fall."

[eblouissant]

Would Liam though?

It was not that Riley thought that being gay was a sin, not at all. He absolutely believed that everyone should have the right to love who they wished, he also did not think that it was a punishable offense, but he had made promises to the church regarding himself, but those promises came at the cost of those beautiful warm brown eyes that gazed at him in such a way that caused unspeakable heat to roll through him.

He had a feeling that anyone could fall looking into those deep eyes.

Especially that underneath the sparkle there was such sadness there. It made him want to fight that temptation to get to know the other guy, perhaps to see if he could do something to wipe away that melancholy. He did not know the other man's story but he thought perhaps it was many-paged.

"I believe that you will not let me fall.. physically." he said this with raise of his brow and then he was walking, in a way forcing the other man to trail after him.. to catch up, perhaps to wonder at such a statement.

[giveanything]

For all the many things that Liam knew would tear a soul apart -- would stain it so there was no hope of salvage or salvation -- love in any of its forms was not one of them. So for all that yes, he was certainly trying to tempt this priest away from the vows of chastity that he'd made with his ordination, he didn't believe he'd actually be putting Riley's soul at any real risk. He wouldn't have wanted to do that, not to this man with his gentle nature and kind eyes.

Not that he wanted to do any of the harm he did. He was good at it, make no mistake, could read people and find the smallest cracks for darkness to slip into, could finesse doubt and pain into something sharp and lethal. But he hated it, hated himself for it, more and more with each successfully ruined person he left in his wake.

There was a moment when Riley spoke those words that Liam was caught off-guard by how true those words struck. Riley saw to the core of him already. For the briefest flash there was a falter of the facade of ease and charm. A sadness in dark eyes and the distinct sense that he'd just been dealt a physical blow.

The moment passed and the smile was back in place like it had never left. "Why Father, I think you're too sure-footed spiritually to worry about taking that sort of tumble."

[eblouissant]

They walked, heading on a route toward the cliffs.

He'd not been this particular way so it was very much off the beaten track, as Liam had promised him. But make no mistake, he'd seen that very sure flash of sadness and pain rolled into one and thought to himself that this was a man who perhaps did not do the things that he had confessed to 'willingly'. This made him all the more resolute to help, which perhaps would not do any favors in the long run.

"I think that.." and he says this carefully as he grips the basket, "we all have our secrets. You have yours and I have mine, and being sure-footed does not mean that temptation does not exist-- it just means that you have to be very careful where you step." and soft laugh then, it was like honey as it whipped through his hair alongside the breeze that was just starting to carry hints of ocean brine.

"But somehow, I know that you would not do anything untoward though your mouth certainly talks a good game."

[giveanything]

"Temptation exists, and it doesn't always show up looking like temptation. What will draw one soul to its own destruction would not even catch the passing attention of another..." Liam's voice had gone thoughtful, though there was a weariness to it. He was, after all, an expert in sin and in darkness. His owner said he had a talent for it, a very human talent that demons couldn't quite manage with the same degree of nuance and subtlety.

He looked up at the sound of that laugh, gentle as a summer breeze. "But you're right. Nothing untoward. Not here, not now. Not to you." It was a promise in its own way. He did not want to do anything to dim that gentle light that glowed from Riley. They were closer now to where Liam intended their destination to be, the sound of ocean waves crashing against the increasingly rocky shoreline as the cliffs rose, growing higher as they walked.

The words he spoke next, he didn't realize he'd committed to saying them until he heard them in his own voice. "Do you want to know my secret, Father?"

[eblouissant]

There was gravity there, gravity to the words that fell from Liam's lips. They carried on the ocean spray and he turned to look at that profile, at the way that the melancholy clung to him. In a way he could imagine that they were in some novel, something that transcended the ocean and to windswept moors and brooding darkness; even though at this moment the sun burst through in fits through fluffy clouds.

There was weight here in this moment.

"I cannot say under good conscious say that I am not curious, but I also realize that it is your secret to share and I will not pressure you to it." he said this quietly as he followed after, careful to keep his footing sure amid the rocky incline path.

It was a dangerous trek upward and he could imagine that it would not take much to misstep.

[giveanything]

It was a precarious path, but one that Liam knew well. He came up here often, stood at the very edge and let those intrusive thoughts of jumping wash over him like the waves that pounded against the jagged rocks below. He knew his end would not come quite so easily.

He mulled over that answer, the grace that the priest was extending him in allowing him the choice to share or not. By the time Liam spoke again they'd crested to the top of the rocky cliff, the top leveled out, a metal and wood bench -- bleached by salt and wind -- sat vacant as if waiting for the two of them to settle.

"Do you believe in demons? Like in the literal physical sense, not some metaphor or literary device. Do you believe in the existence of infernal creatures?"

[eblouissant]

Once they were there at the bench, Riley set the basket right in the middle betwixt the two of them and then twitched the blanket back so that the carefully wrapped sandwiches could be revealed. He glanced upward then at the question, one brow raised as he considered it. "I believe that evil exists, though often times the shape of it varies far and wide." he would not discredit the idea of real manifestations, but he had not come across any.

Certain there was no holding up the rosary that he wore tucked just underneath his sweater, a mark of his faith.

"I have long since determined that just because I do not have proof of it, does not mean that it doesn't exist. The hall is haunted, though I have never seen nor heard the ghost-- there are too many accountings of similarities for me to discredit paranormal activity."

[giveanything]

"Louisa Clooney," Liam piped up with a faint quirk of a smile on his lips. "Back when the hall was a convent, she was a novitiate there. She died in the Spanish Flu epidemic in 1919, she was barely twenty. She's sweet, as ghosts go. Mostly just wants to take care of the students in the hall, though she can be a little feisty."

Liam had apparently decided on talking now, whether or not it led to Riley believing he was a crazy person.

"I sold my soul to a demon. My contract came due years ago, and I'll be paying off that debt for the rest of my life. ...and then paying for it in the hereafter too, I imagine. But at least then, I'll be the only one suffering for it."

[eblouissant]

If there was any way that Liam could've endeared himself to Riley any more, it was that. A beautiful tendril of humanity within him, how he uttered that historical fact as if it was something near and dear to his heart. He thought that perhaps there was a deeper story but he would not pry.. yet. Perhaps a little bit later he would have Liam tell him more ghost stories about the dormitory, and the general vicinity of Saintsmourn, it felt like the place may be a hive of ghostly activity.

But the next words caused the smile to freeze there, before it cracked into something moreso a frown, his brows knitting together.

"What did you sell your soul for?" he asked this. He did not call the other man crazy, but he knew well from what he'd read about that contracts were a give and take sort of deal and Liam must've received something in return.

[giveanything]

Liam was very pointedly not looking at Riley just now. The priest had been terribly kind to him all this time, despite the things he'd spoken of in their first encounter in the confessional. He didn't want to watch those clear blue eyes cloud over when they looked at him, the judgment or disgust or disdain or whatever it might be.

The price of his soul though, that was a hard question to admit. His gaze still focused out over the ocean -- the cold gray of the water, even under the blue sky, the color of slate. The Massachusetts sea was not warm or welcoming. It wore its warning plainly on its surface. Dark and dangerous things lay out beyond the shore, beautiful but lethal, cold and unimaginably deep. The exact opposite of Liam, who was just as dark and dangerous, but who looked human and welcoming and charming.

Part of him wanted to lie, to say he'd traded his soul away for fortune or favor or fame. Instead he opened his mouth and the truth tumbled out of it. "When I was eleven, my brother died." He'd already told Riley that Patrick was his brother, so perhaps that was a strange statement to say so plainly. "It was my fault."

And when a stranger had suddenly shown up in that moment and asked Liam what he would give to have his brother back, when he'd looked at six-year-old Trick's broken little body, the only answer had been anything. Anything that he had to give if it meant that Patrick would be okay. And then he was, a twisted miracle that only Liam ever truly knew about. Trick didn't remember any of it, mercifully. It was seven years before Liam understood how high a price he'd actually agreed to, but even now he'd pay whatever it took for his brother's sake.

[eblouissant]

Riley gives the other man the blessing of a listening hear while the story is told calmly and methodically. Though the truth was spoken without evident feeling, he could tell that there was much that was still locked up underneath the surface.

Most people would use such a contract for their own gain, but Liam had-- well, he had brought back the one he loved with such a heavy price. And now this, he was indebted to a being that he could not control, to some sort of evil-- over a choice that he had known would be what it was. A choice that a young one should never have had to make.

"While the price was high, you chose your brother. I think that if I had been presented with a choice at such a young age, I would have taken it too." he said this quietly as he fiddles with the brown paper wrap around the sandwiches; he'd made them look pretty but he rather thought that this was not something that you just ate lunch to. It felt almost sacrilege.

[giveanything]

"Trick doesn't know. He doesn't remember any of what happened. I'd really prefer it stays that way." And now he did look to Riley, because this was important. Patrick despised him for what he was, and Liam had come to terms with that. It was better, as far as he was concerned, for that to be the way of it. If his brother thought for an instant that all the evil Liam had done had been in many ways for his sake, he worried it would break him.

He offered a smile. "It was the stupidest thing. I was climbing a tree, and Trick wanted to do it too. I told him he was still a baby and he couldn't. I told him not to follow me. He did anyway, and I didn't stop him. I just kept going. He made it all the way up. But he slipped and he fell and there were all these roots and rocks and he wasn't moving." A tiny broken body twisted in a way that a body shouldn't move, motionless and silent and Liam screaming for him to wake up and---

He shook his head to try to banish the memory, like maybe his brain was just a glorified Etch-a-Sketch. "This... is ruining a perfectly good picnic. Sorry. I promised you a tour of the local hidden treasures, not a trek down bad memory lane."

[eblouissant]

This too was a confession, but in this moment Riley spoke to Liam as a fellow brother and not as Father Riley who was still new at his craft, he laid his hand over Liam's in a gesture of comfort while he spoke. "Little brothers are like that, they will do things and follow one around like a puppy and not have a care for the danger."

Even more carefully, the note of reassuring entering his voice. "Think of nature as our confessional booth, what you've spoken to me shall not be mentioned to Patrick." he would keep that particular confidence. "So there is nothing you can do about the contract?"

[giveanything]

The hand on his was a surprise, and Liam physically startled, almost a flinch, as if touch was so unexpected he didn't know how to process it. He relaxed in the next instant though, grateful for the contact. For the kindness.

God he was a selfish, grasping thing, to take comfort and kindness that he had no business having given so graciously to him. He certainly didn't deserve it. "Thank you."

He shook his head at the question. "Nothing but fulfill it. If I try to break it, the one who'll pay is Patrick. So I do as I'm told. I'm owned body and soul." Something that his keeper enjoyed reminding him of, frequently.

[eblouissant]

Remember, you cannot save everyone---

But you have to try---

He had always tried to save everything, as a young child he had read stories of chivalry and of knights on holy quests, and that had sparked something within him. He had wanted to be a hero who made a difference, he did not want glory and fame, but the simple knowledge that he had tried and succeeded in some cases, that through his actions there were people who could live a little bit brighter.

Perhaps that was the never-ending idealism in him but while that spark was contained, it did not go away so easily. "There has to be something, contracts often have loopholes."

[giveanything]

"None that I could find." Another smile, but that was a defense mechanism in and of itself. He was fine. He would always be fine. Liam was always a survivor, and that was part of the horrific irony of it all, when he was in many ways always rooting for someone to finally just stop him, once and for all.

His hand shifted beneath the priest's, a bold and probably inadvisable move, to brush his fingers along Riley's. "Are you thinking about trying to save me, Father? I should warn you it's too late for that. I think I'm more demon than human at this point." After all that he had done, how could he be anything else?

[eblouissant]

This was comfort, this was only comfort at it's most common denominator. His fingers took the bolder route and squeezed those fingers as if to let him know that he was here whenever the other man needed to listen. But-- he was already thinking of ways to save him, as if he had finally found a crusade, something to fight for.

"Everyone can be saved."

And coming from those lips, did not not seem like such a wonderful dream?

Riley pulled back his hand then but not before leaving the memory of their touch in their wake. "You have saved your brother, I think that it is about time someone came in on your side."

[giveanything]

Liam couldn't help it. For just a moment he let himself believe it, that those words were true. Hearing Riley say it, it felt like they could be for that brief precious span of a breath. That maybe there was something of him that could be salvaged, something in him that was worth saving. His heart ached at the thought. This man was more holy knight that simple priest, wasn't he?

The moment passed as hope was flooded out by the sudden wash of reality. If Riley tried, he'd catch the attention of Gregory, and Liam couldn't live with himself if the priest were hurt because of him. And oh he would be if he got too close. That was what Liam Leary did to people. He hurt them.

So despite the way dark eyes flooded with hope and longing, Liam shook his head and reached for a sandwich, needing to do something with his hand once the priest's touch was only a memory of warmth. "I don't know if that's true. I think sometimes, some people you can't save them. You can only stop them."

[eblouissant]

There was silence between the two of them as they each unwrapped their sandwiches.

Each pulled into their own world replete with their own thoughts and musings. For Riley, the word 'stop them' screeched to the forefront; it meant that likely Liam had tried to-- well the thought seemed almost untenable. But he did not want to voice those words as he knew that there was a layer of sensitivity just underneath the surface.

"Once you break bread with someone, that symbolizes a fellowship of sorts." he would not speak of brotherhood though that word also had been a possibility. "So I cannot help but feel like I should do something, or make an attempt-- I am not the type who can sit back and watch something unfold."

[giveanything]

Oh Liam had. Not directly, exactly. He was too worried that if he put an end to himself in a way that seemed deliberate, Gregory would treat that as a breach in his contract. So while the thoughts were there, they remained only thoughts. That did not stop him from reckless choices and self-destructive behavior though. It wasn't so much that he was tempting fate as desperately pleading with it to just do something.

But he found himself frowning as Riley spoke, shaking his head. "I'm dangerous, Father. I've hurt so many people. I don't want to see you hurt too, not on my account." Now, if Riley had been motivated to put an end to him, that would have been different. There would have been a mercy in that that Liam could have accepted.

"I can see your soul, you know. That's one of the things that came with my contract, that sight. And you shine. So bright. It should be blinding, but it's gentle, and it's warm, and I don't want to ruin that. I'm selfish enough to want to be close to it, and that's bad enough."

[eblouissant]

Riley had only read of things that inherently romantic in fairy stories, the way that Liam spoke about him as if he was a light-- he did not necessarily see it nor could he fathom it-- especially not when he had more than enough of his temptations swirling around in there.

"You make it out that I am much more than I actually am." he said as he brought his sandwich to his mouth.. only a little self conscious by those words and the distracting brown eyes that seemed to look into his very soul.

"But I will not turn you away, if my light gives you comfort then you may stay and bask in it as long as you dare wish." he did not know this contract keeper but already he was not a fan of him already. Once he balanced his sandwhich on his knee, he took out the little carafe of lemonade that was airtight sealed in a milk bottle and attempted to pour very carefully without upsetting his sandwhich. "So do you come here often because it gives you peace of sorts?"

[giveanything]

"You're a good man, Father. And that is a rare and precious thing." Good and kind and gentle. And of course beautiful on a more mundane physical level as well. No sense not counting that piece of it.

It was a mad thought, but Liam wanted to lose himself in the other man, even if it was only once, only a night. It was insane and dangerous and selfish and god he wanted him.

He took a bite of his own sandwich, hesitating at the question. "Something like that." Another moment of quiet as he considered his next words. "I come up here often, and I stand at the edge, and I think about jumping."