: Hanahaki - Guess I'll Just Die :

[blackradley]

It was truth that Alec was not as restless as Seregil was; their little place on Half Moon Street was well lived in, though the treads in the carpet were not from Alec, not even remotely. Alec could be content to just sit in a wing chair and read, in dreaming-- in moving through books and ideas all of the ways that the world had not opened up for him before his first meeting with Seregil.

Though he did miss Seregil's presence, the chaos in the other side of the room; in all of his soliloquys and ramblings, his plotting and scheming.

The rain pattered outside, and Ruetha had found a good thing in his calmness. Her goal of comfort was to spend days in Alec's lap, and then cuddle in with Seregil at night and he supposed, as he scritched just behind her ears, that it must be a very sweet deal indeed. Thankfully she allowed him just enough time to turn the page before he returned back to his ministrations.

A lock of blonde hair fell in his eyes, those blue eyes that managed to convey so many emotions-- both wonder as well as stubbornness; but this time calm. Occasionally he would have to let out a cough which he covered with his hand-- not precisely noticing the petal that disguised itself within his palm before it fell casually and wedged within the couch cushions where one would find a veritable sea of them hidden underneath.

He thought about getting up to go search Seregil out, though he thought perhaps the other man did not want to be disturbed. Tried not to think about if Seregil was at the Avenue of Lights, perhaps in the arms of his green eyed boy. No, best not to think about that, he'd only be setting himself up for a long train of thought that he was not prepared to board.

So he sat there, whiling away the moments.

Comments

[blackradley]

Well it wasn't Nysander, and it certainly was not Thero; he would have been killed for saying that even jokingly. That left.. and then he paused, and it was a stillness like a deer feeling something in the forest that he knew he had to tread carefully upon, picking up a petal and looking down at it, the silver of Seregil's eyes, and then he glanced over at Seregil and then his breath caught.

Surely it could not be, could it?

But...

He just needed to make the two threads combine, but first he would say very carefully and cautiously. "You.. is it, I do not want to think too much of myself but.. surely you can't be in love with.." oh Alec was struggling, "Me..?" because he could not comprehend that, he was nothing special. He was Alec i Amasa, rather boring truth told. He was not wonderfully charismatic nor particularly effusive with anything. The look before one leapt type, the one who kept the home fires burning and it almost seemed ridiculous that he should even make that guess.

His plummage was not bright nor was it particularly fascinating, browns and greens like the forest.

[rhimineecat]

If Alec had suggested Thero, Seregil would not have to worry about wasting away as is lungs choked with flowers because he'd have laughed himself to death right here and right now. There were absurd ideas and then there was things that went so far beyond absurd they made nonsense look utterly rational by comparison.

But honestly, when Alec kept talking, maybe Seregil wished he had guessed Nysander or Thero.

Instead he watched his beautiful, observant, clever friend find the truth and hold it up to the light that Seregil had tried so hard to hide it from. It felt like the reading of charges, of a crime. He froze, motionless. Perhaps as the hunter he was, Alec would recognize the look of panic, like a deer caught in the sights of predator.

Of course Alec had guessed it. Of course.

Seregil eventually remembered to breathe, taking a deep inhale to steady himself, and his eyes slipped away from Alec's, feeling far too guilty to look into those eyes any longer. Or maybe he was just a coward who didn't want to face what he'd find there.

His first answer was silent, the faintest motion of a nod. Yes, Alec.

It took a moment for Seregil to find his voice. "I'm so sorry, Ta... Alec." He did not deserve to call him that so casually. "But I meant what I said earlier. I won't ask this of you. And you do not owe me anything. I will solve this for myself." And he would not, would never, stand in the way of Alec following his own heart.

"And whoever it is that has your heart, I will be happy for you, truly. I only hope she realizes what a treasure it is."

[blackradley]

"Hmmm..." Alec said as he felt strangely light, and the choking within him seemed to stop, it was like the unfurling of something within him, like he was not so squeezed and bereft of air at certain times. It was not Micum, even though he guessed it. It was himself, and he placed his hands in his lap as he thought about it consideringly.

He remembered the surge of something as he had remembered what he'd felt upon seeing Seregil with his paramour, he thought about thinking that Seregil was beautiful at certain intervals and it was a far deeper from the surface; oh gods the thoughts that whirlwinded through him was like a riotstorm though his visage remained perfectly placid.

Too many thoughts in his head right now.

But he felt.. happy? Relieved that no one would take Seregil away even though he would have been happy for Seregil's happiness. Seregil must have known that Alec would not rush blindly into something nor would he make any outright decisions. But he needed to do something, anything to verify the core thought in his mind.

Did he feel the same for Seregil?

There was only one way to find out. He glanced upward at Seregil and then said very calmly. "Would you.. kiss me? I want to see how it feels, kissing you." as if some strange secret would be revealed from such a method.

[rhimineecat]

Seregil risked a glance up at Alec, but he couldn't read anything on those familiar, beautiful features, couldn't guess what he was thinking. The silence seemed to hang in the air, though Seregil interrupted it with a violent cough, one that shook his shoulders as he gasped for breath. His lungs felt tighter now, as if they were filling faster now with blossoms.

He inwardly cursed at himself before taking a steadying breath, sitting up straight from where he'd nearly doubled over. It was just in time for him to catch that request. Silver eyes went wide and he found himself staring at Alec as if he'd suddenly forgotten how to speak the language.

Here he was being asked to do something he had imagined so often, something he so desperately wanted, and his heart ached with something that couldn't decide if it was heartbreak or hope. Was Alec doing what Seregil had feared he would? That he'd take it upon himself to be something Seregil wanted him to be even if it wasn't what Alec truly wanted.

His fingers lifted, near trembling, touching reverently along Alec's cheek, before his hand cupped there, thumb brushing along his cheekbone, soft and affectionate. "You don't have to do this."

But even as he demurred, he was leaning closer, closer still, lips the span of a breath from the other man's. "Tell me no, Tali. Tell me I'm not the one you desire." Because this little spark of hope was going to become a full conflagration all too soon unless it was snuffed quickly.

[blackradley]

"I am not doing this for you, Seregil.. I am doing this for me. Stop making everything about you." Alec retorted, though their was that familiar vein of teasing, the sort of way that they snarked at each other.. like brothers, like one fourth of the prophecy.

And then Seregil leaned close, still tried to convince him to admit that he did not want him, as if this was just a way for Seregil to suffer albeit elegantly, he could almost taste flower petals on that breath. But he found he could not tell Seregil no, not really because part of him was curious to see if perhaps he would enjoy this, kissing Seregil. He remembered how jealous he'd been, and he had not understood it and as for sex, he had no idea that it could be between two men just as easily as between a man and a woman.

Maybe he could enjoy that.. too.

"I cannot tell you that until after you kiss me." Alec remarked in that infuriatingly smart way of his. "So I really hope that you are going to get around to kissing me sometime in the next sennight." there was Alec, ruining the romantic vibes, but there was still soemthing comfortable here between them in this moment.

[rhimineecat]

"I will absolutely not. Everything is about me," Seregil informed him. And it was a grasp for normal, for the way they were with each other, so easy, so perfect. He didn't want to break this, and he was so terrified he would do exactly that.

The words of that prophecy rang in his head. Father. Brother. Friend. Lover. And how he'd come to wish so hard for that final one, while knowing he should be grateful for what he had. And he was. He would be content. Could be content. Couldn't he?

Maybe he'd been fooling himself. And now they were so close that their breath mingled.

"Have you always been this impossible?" Seregil whispered quietly, exasperated and caught between laughing and crying and feeling like he was on the brink of a dream and his own undoing simultaneously. Illior's eyes, he was being tested. Maybe he was failing. But either way, he kissed him.

[blackradley]

"Impossible, you mean sensible?"

And before anything else could be said, he was kissed. He concentrated on it, much like he did with any task, he put his entire everything into it, the feel of it and the taste of Seregil that trickled out through parted lips, candied flower petals. A hum and huff, like he was deliberating over this entire kissing thing, and then he leaned forward just a little bit.

So very similar to kissing a woman, but he rather did not really want to kiss any other man but Seregil. In fact the more he thought about it, the more he did not want to kiss anyone other than Seregil, and that was the sun rising over the horizon like Illior's light.

He pulled back to make his judgement. "It was very pleasant but..." he looked to Seregil. "Kiss me like you do your...." what could he say, whores?. "Bed companions. I need more to go on."

[rhimineecat]

"I very explicitly mean impossible," Seregil exhaled the retort as their lips parted, as if he'd been holding it while their lips had met. He could taste Alec's lips, could not help the way his tongue chased it on his own lips as he looked at him.

Seregil outright flinched at 'very pleasant' because this wasn't meant to be some sampling of wines to pair with a meal. His heart was racing in his chest, and even that brief chase kiss had started undoing him. And oh he wanted to kiss him again, very much, wanted to do exactly as Alec had asked and kiss him like a lover until the boy forgot the need to breathe, lost track of up and down and the forces of gravity itself.

He wanted it so badly it burned, but he couldn't shake the uneasiness here, that Alec was trying to talk himself into wanting this. "This isn't lockpicks or swordplay, Tali. I cannot teach you to want me if you don't."

But he also couldn't deny Alec. Forcing back the choking taste of flowers, his hand shifted to settle at the nape of Alec's neck, fingers brushing at the edge of soft yellow hair. Maybe it was a kiss goodbye, but he supposed that he best make it a worthwhile one. Alec wanted to be kissed like a lover, and Seregil would give him that. He surged forward, and this time he claimed those lips with his own, heated and longing. Desire, yes, and a love so encompassing that Seregil's world had reoriented itself to revolve around Alec. A brush of his tongue along the other's lip, a wordless request for permission to give -- and to take -- more.

[blackradley]

The world dropped out from underneath Alec, and he started to spin. It was slightly dizzying the way that that mouth claimed him, and he felt the stirrings, oh yes they were stirrings alright. His hand moved up to press against shoulder, and it almost moved in a way that could have been a push, but no-- his fingers curled into the fabric and then his mouth parted at insistence.

A swirling and heated kiss, he tasted petals and desperation and it swirled him upward.

Oh... oh.

He breathed into Seregil's mouth and something almost like a moan expelled from his mouth and allowed Seregil to delve into his own mouth; this was not like kissing that he'd done, no-- it was different and it was, there was no words for it whatsoever. Then his tongue slipped against Seregil's until they were dueling; this was what it was dueling. And he liked it, it felt like a challenge-- not an outright yielding.

Except fuck did he ever yield, not in his tongue but in the rest of his body the way it seemed to defy gravity to make itself closer to the Aurenfaie. And then he drew his mouth back, heavy lidded and somewhat.. hazy. "You cannot teach me to want you, but you can.. ah.. awaken me.

[rhimineecat]

Seregil had braced himself to be pushed away, and he would have drawn back without question. But when the pressure of that hand turned immediately to that grip in his tunic, when Alec truly started kissing him back, Seregil let himself hope, and felt suddenly like the flowers growing in his chest just may burst through it all at once, too much emotion to possibly contain in one man.

Relief and hope and a soft undercurrent of fear, and all of that paled beside a love that burned and burned and burned. His tongue twined with Alec's, the taste of the other like a fresh mountain spring, like he'd been a man dying in slow motion for need of it.

He barely registered the words the way everything felt like it was spinning around him, but they did somehow make it through his own hazy comprehension. Daringly, maybe, he nuzzled his nose along Alec's. "And are you awake?"

[blackradley]

"Awake.. but at what cost?" Alec murmured and felt breath expel as he considered the kiss that had him feeling a thing, maybe several all at once that he was attempting to sort it out. But there was something that Seregil should know and Alec had to make sure that he understood this.

"My ways of showing love are ah, different than yours. I..." He didn't precisely know where he was going with this but damn it he would try. "Showing how I love is wanting to be involved, even if it is dangerous-- it is keeping the light on and waiting up even though I was explicitly told not to wait up and it is being unaccountably jealous even though I tried to tell myself that I was not like.. well.. that.."

And then he looked into Seregil's grey eyes, and he felt the flush against his own cheeks. "But I could be like that for you, and enjoy it because it is you and no one else.. even though you are insufferable and I have to pry secrets out of you."

It was not physical but if his determination from the kiss could be believed, he could enjoy it if he kept an open mind and he had a willing teacher who was patient with him.

[rhimineecat]

Those were all the ways they'd already existed together. Alec's absolute bristling at even the hint that he might be left behind because a mission was dangerous, his stubborn insistence on worrying over Seregil even tough the Aurenfaie spent so long on his own surviving by wits and the luck of someone both loved and despised by the gods simultaneously. But that jealous piece was news to him, but he thought back to the way that Alec had looked at him that day in the Street of Lights, how he'd more than once brought up his green eyed boy.

"If it makes you feel better, the dearest secret I have held for some time now is how hopelessly in love with you I have been."

He leane up to brush his lips to Alec's forehead. "I am not sure what my ways of showing love are. Passion and desire, those I understand very well. Those I am -- and I do realize how much ego this sounds like -- very good at. And I want that with you. How could I not? You're beautiful. But you are more than that. I want all of you, the entirety of you, your heart and your soul. I want to keep you safe, to see you smile, to have you by my side. I want to be driven crazy by your never ending questions and your relentless need to know everything."

His breathing had grown easier, and he was certain the tightness in his chest now was emotion and not the affliction that had been choking him. "I want to be yours, in a way that I have been too scared to be with anyone else, for a very long time." Since he'd been young and stupid, and so free with his heart to someone who had used it cruelly. He wasn't that lovesick child any longer, he was wary and scarred, but Alec made him feel more whole than he thought he could be.

"But your own affliction, Tali. Your heart has gone and fallen for a mystery." The flower petals had been evidence of that much. ...Seregil really was smarter than this, Alec. He was. Just not right now.

[blackradley]

"You are absolutely..."

A pause as he endeavored to say this as elegantly as possible, except he was not-- not really. "..thick, that is what you are at this moment." Surely there was some way to knock sense into Seregil's head, alongside a clue. "I do all those things because I am in love with you." He was so close to shoving him, and he decided that he may have to.

"I want to follow you because I have a fear of you doing something stupid that gets yourself killed, I keep the house warm so you will have a home to come back to.. I was jealous of that boy because I don't want you to replace me with him, or anyone really."

He sat there and felt like he wanted to yell into a pillow. Instead he picked up one of the pillows and thwacked Seregil with it instead.

[rhimineecat]

Seregil's eyes went wide in surprise and realization because, oh. Oh. He stared as it rolled over him, apparently on this much of a delay. Maybe it was because he had a hard time believing something this good could really happen to him, or because he'd spent the recent months telling himself over and over again that he could not have this with Alec.

The pillow seemed to do the trick at resetting him from his slightly gaped-mouth stare, reminding him that he did indeed have a mouth capable of speaking. He heard himself laugh even as he caught the pillow and held it in his lap. "There is no replacing you, not with anyone living or dead or yet to be born."

And then, almost sheepishly, he admitted, "He looked like you, you know. It was what drew me to him. Like you except for those green eyes, and I couldn't forget that because he was not and could never be you. That no matter what I might pretend for a moment here or there, those eyes were not yours. Never yours. Like the summer sky, like the kindest parts of the sea, blue and endless. And always seeing so damned much even when I thought I'd been sneaky and subtle."

This time he thwapped Alec with the pillow, but it was only a distraction, because then Seregil was following after that first attack, quite intent on tumbling Alec back to the couch.

[blackradley]

It worked too, perhaps it was the fact that what Seregil spoke gave him an inordinate amount of pleasure-- but then as he was pushed back against the couch, his locks of blonde hair streaming, far longer than they had been when he had been cutting his hair for purpose that it wouldn't get in his eyes while he was hunting, but then Seregil had taught him the utility of hair ties which were really a quiet marvelous invention. Except for now where he had allowed his hair to flow to touching his shoulders and now fanned out.

"I think." he spoke this seriously in between breaths, ".. that the girl at Eirual's resembled you, she has the same grey eyes and I..." he was a bit awkward as it spoke this, "She reminded me of you when you were disguised on the ship and I." a soft huff as he realized how much that he had been dumb about things.

"Actually perhaps I'm the thick one." and looking up to Seregil, "It's always been you, never anyone else." though he paused as he saw Ruetha move to hop onto Seregil's back. "I guess you are not allowed to move."

[rhimineecat]

Seregil found himself looking down at the most beautiful creature that he had ever seen in his life. And yes, all right, he was so fully smitten it ought to be a bit embarrassing. He had wanted to think he'd been rather subtle and mature with the yearning, but Micum had spotted it without trying, and well, maybe more had shown than he'd intended. The fact that Alec hadn't noticed was the one real blessing there, he supposed.

But secrets were out in the light of day now, and here was Alec saying the most wonderous things. He smiled, not the cocky, sardonic grin he was so good at, but a softer thing, warm and vulnerable and open. He let his fingers brush through that golden hair, falling about Alec's face like a halo.

"Maybe we've both been blind. But eyes are open now, mm? I see you, Tali." Leaning in he brushed a soft kiss to the corner of Alec's lips, to the point of his chin and then slowly down his jawline.

He paused at Ruetha's arrival as well, though in his case it was to quietly oof as he was used as cat furniture. "So it would seem. I suppose she didn't want to be left out of the moment. But..." Straight back to where he'd left off, pressing slow, lingering kisses against skin, nuzzling beneath his jaw to his neck. "I have no desire to move anywhere right now."

[blackradley]

It was a concept he was open to it, even though he had not been versed in aspects to it due to his Dahlnan upbringing; Seregil's lips did feel good however, the way that they praised over his lips and check, against jawline and then down his own neck. Yeah, he did not mind if Seregil never moved.. especially outside where the rain seized on.

And he found out that having Seregil drape over him was the real win.

He lifted his leg so that Seregil did not roll over and off to the side, still a protector even to this day.

Not to mention there was that flush of heat that filled his cheeks and jaw, and yes even neck that was brought on my the kisses like the patter of raindrops over his skin, sweet and soft. He could feel his entire world shift into something that was both familiar and also thoroughly not. "I actually do not want you to move either, and if we want food, we can easily reach the cheese." ever the practical one.

[rhimineecat]

It was not lost on Seregil the way Alec shifted his leg to guard him from the edge. He wondered if Alec understood how much of a gift he had been, even before this day of confessions and realizations. He wondered if Alec knew that it did, for the first time since he'd been exiled, feel like he had a home to return to. The Cockerel. Wheel Street. Wherever Alec was. He wondered if Alec understood how his presence had slowly scattered away the loneliness. Oh he had friends, people he loved deeply -- Nysander, Micum and his family. He had others he was fond of associates, lovers in the strictly physical sense of the world. But he'd not had a place he felt like he belonged until he'd wound up with Alec by his side. Maybe Seregil would find a way to tell him someday. Or maybe he'd write an overly dramatic ballad about it and make Alec tease it out between the lines. Who could say.

What he could do though was muffle a laugh against the other man's neck. "Oh yes, thank Illior the cheese is within reach."

He couldn't quite stop himself from scraping his teeth against his neck, light and tentative, playful but not wanting to do anything that might've been unwelcome. Or too much. He knew himself. He was well aware he could be too much for many people.

"Though I think I could survive the ages on the taste of your skin alone." See? He couldn't help the dramatics. Worst of all was that this time it was said in full earnestness.

[blackradley]

No, Alec rather thought that Seregil couldn't help it-- he was ultimately Seregil and that came with dramatics and a certain showmanship that was inherently Seregil's and he would not have traded it in for anything within this world; really Alec just laughed and it was such a pure sound bourne on the wings of mirth.

"Am I to be eaten with a fork then?" he said with a soft amused hum that only hitched a little bit when he felt the scrape of teeth which was not unwelcome at all. Maybe Seregil would note a little bit of wiggling underneath him that ended with a very subtle roll that was certainly not attempting to get Seregil off of him.

"I can't have you starving." and Alec would see that he did not, not in any way-- starting here and starting now, keeping him fed in heart and also perhaps in body though he was still attempting to wrap his head around it. "So my education does continue..." and he meant of course in this. "You will not be able to hang up the mantle of teacher yet."

[rhimineecat]

Seregil lifted his head to look down at Alec with a thoughtful hum, as if appraising the feast spread before him. "No, my beautiful one. You're the sort of delicacy that ought to be savored with hands and mouth alone," he informed him with a smile that was nearly as feline as the epithet he used as cover in his more clandestine affairs.

The wiggling was certainly not lost on him, nor that subtle arch against him. Small signs, first steps.

At the mention of education, he laughed. "You've proven a very capable student time and again. I imagine this will be no different." Alec was quick and clever and constantly surprising Seregil in the most wonderful ways.

[blackradley]

Oh no, those words continued to maintain that dawn glow about him, the flush rising high in a way that he was not sure that he would ever get used to. It was those words, those stupid dumb and highly evocative words that did it to him. Turning something impractical into something that was laced with sentiment and sensuality.

His tongue danced over his lower lip and his breathing continued to huff out as he made an attempt at a laugh.

"I am not sure if this is even fair." he murmured those with those blue eyes sparkling, he had never been properly romanced but then he had always taken a very sensible to approach to almost everything, so this.. Seregil was what he needed at this point in time. Even though he did not precisely know it, Seregil was the balance that he so desperately needed in his life. Someone to remind him that life was not all about duty and seriousness.

[rhimineecat]

They were good for each other, ballast and counterweight in such a way that both of them were kept steady and surer for the other's presence. Seregil wasn't entirely certain what his thoughts were on fate -- one too many prophecies these days seemed intent on making his life difficult -- but he was certain that encountering Alec half a world away in a sad, cold little cell was fate indeed, and the kindest fate had been ever been to him.

Seregil had always enjoyed seeing that charming blush in Alec's face, and he found he liked it even more knowing he was the one who put it there in this moment. "It's not meant to be fair," Seregil assured him, his own eyes alight with joy and a perhaps familiar hint of mischief.

"That can be lesson one," Seregil announced, in a tone that suggested Alec probably ought to be taking notes because there would be a quiz.

[blackradley]

The consensus at this moment that Alec would be taking notes if in fact he wasn't being draped upon, though he was watching his partner in crime in that earnest way that was the counterpoint to Seregil's method acting. He did reach up though and then slowly allowed his fingertips to graze against Seregil's cheek in the very first touch that was an experiment in loverlike softness.

Just the backs of fingertips against smoothness, could see the curve of teasing lips, the sparkle of grey eyes that shone like diamonds.

"You will find me a very eager student, though I hope that I do not embarrass you." and Alec made no pretense that this would be anything that he was comfortable with, or that he wouldn't mess up here and there because this was not within skillset.

[rhimineecat]

This was true, the draping was an impediment to note taking, but Seregil was extremely disinclined to allow much space between them, lest this turn out to be some intensely pleasant dream that would disappear if he looked away for even a moment. His eyes fluttered before settling half shut as he turned into that touch, light as it was. Yes, he could get used to that.

"You couldn't possibly," he murmured quietly. Because really, as long as Alec was himself, did what felt right to him, Seregil was certain they'd figure it out. More than that, he was quite certain that the process of figuring it out would be exceptionally enjoyable, even if it were clumsy or awkward at times.

He'd had lovers who were, for lack of a better word, professionals at their craft, but he'd trade all of that for a single slightly fumbling touch from Alec.

"But promise me one thing? If you are not comfortable, if I ever go too fast or too far, you will tell me." And Seregil would stop.

[blackradley]

That nobility was something that he had expected, the sweetness of knowing that Seregil would respect him and whatever it was that he felt. Alec had already promised himself that if he did not enjoy it, he would not keep the other man from getting what he needed, but judging by the queer feeling of breathless anticipation that was even now coursing through him, that maybe that would not be the case.

"I will promise you that, and in return I promise to keep a very open mind." the world is probably not ready for a very resolute Alec, but here he was and ready to learn. He'd noticed that Seregil liked touches and strokes, had noticed that he was very affectionate and in turn Alec had learned that from him. So, well he knew that there was hope for himself.

"Also as long as you are patient with my questions." and in true Alec-like principle, he would ask a great many of them.