: Hanahaki - Guess I'll Just Die :

[blackradley]

It was truth that Alec was not as restless as Seregil was; their little place on Half Moon Street was well lived in, though the treads in the carpet were not from Alec, not even remotely. Alec could be content to just sit in a wing chair and read, in dreaming-- in moving through books and ideas all of the ways that the world had not opened up for him before his first meeting with Seregil.

Though he did miss Seregil's presence, the chaos in the other side of the room; in all of his soliloquys and ramblings, his plotting and scheming.

The rain pattered outside, and Ruetha had found a good thing in his calmness. Her goal of comfort was to spend days in Alec's lap, and then cuddle in with Seregil at night and he supposed, as he scritched just behind her ears, that it must be a very sweet deal indeed. Thankfully she allowed him just enough time to turn the page before he returned back to his ministrations.

A lock of blonde hair fell in his eyes, those blue eyes that managed to convey so many emotions-- both wonder as well as stubbornness; but this time calm. Occasionally he would have to let out a cough which he covered with his hand-- not precisely noticing the petal that disguised itself within his palm before it fell casually and wedged within the couch cushions where one would find a veritable sea of them hidden underneath.

He thought about getting up to go search Seregil out, though he thought perhaps the other man did not want to be disturbed. Tried not to think about if Seregil was at the Avenue of Lights, perhaps in the arms of his green eyed boy. No, best not to think about that, he'd only be setting himself up for a long train of thought that he was not prepared to board.

So he sat there, whiling away the moments.

Comments

[blackradley]

"Huh?" Alec was drawn from the flush and the spradic chopping, and then he looks down at what was caught within Seregil's fingertip. He finds himself furrowing his brow at it, not truly comprehending. "What do you mean?" he was looking at the petal and then he shrugged a bit as he sliced the cheese into sizes that would melt the easiest over a peace of bread toasted with a poker.

He honestly had no clue what the petals had meant, did not know the nature of it and that it could possibly mean. The only thing worse than what it meant was not knowing what it meant.

"A few weeks now? I.." he raked a few fingers through his hair before looking to Seregil while he attempted to process the intensity in Seregil's gaze. "Why?"

[rhimineecat]

"Illior's light... a few weeks..." Seregil felt a wave of nausea roll over him and he tightened his grip on Alec's arm without consciously intending to. His heart was racing at a lightning past, only a scant second slower than his thoughts. Weeks. How had he missed it? Too caught up with his own stupid miseries, and he'd let Alec suffer. Because Alec wouldn't know, of course he wouldn't know.

As Alec turned to him, he took the boy's face between his hands, looking into his eyes, holding his gaze so that he would know if he tried to downplay any of this, to make less of it than it was. Alec was not one to lie, but he was one to dismiss concerns over himself in favor of focusing on others. It was one of the many things that Seregil loved about him.

"Who is she, Tali? We'll need to find her straight away. Better not to waste any time. The progression can be tricky to predict..."

[blackradley]

His face was taken, and it would have been something for him to shrug off if he hadn't truly wanted it-- but he liked it, even as it filled the flush in his cheeks again, but there was also something that Seregil was not telling him. His brows furrowed as he looked straight into Seregil's eyes despite the colouring in his cheeks which felt embarrassingly uncontrollable.


"You have not answered my question."

There was a hint of impatience to Alec, that infernal need to know that have gotten lesser men into far more trouble. It was also why he dogged Seregil on answers and refused to let up until he was communicated with. Something that Seregil had probably always desperately needed in his life. "Who is she? What are you talking about?"

[rhimineecat]

That damnable stubborn insistence on knowing. It was infuriating and admirable and Seregil wanted to shake him because this wasn't the time for history and magic lessons. Time mattered here and now. But rationally, if he took a moment to push down the blinding panic at the idea of something happening to Alec, Seregil knew that he deserved to know, to understand.

Reluctantly, as if it was physically challenging to make himself end the contact, he let his hands fall away from Alec's face. He carefully picked up a stray petal still clinging to his tunic. Silvery and delicate, lovely really, if not for what it meant. At least there didn't seem to be any blood staining the petals just yet.

He held it up between his index and middle finger. "This affliction, even among the Aurenfaie it is very rare. But it is very well documented. No one truly understands how or why, perhaps the magic in our blood... that doesn't matter. It starts as a seed with, well, love. Love kept secret and hidden away. And it begins to take root, very literally."

Curling his hand into a loose fist, he kept hold of that flower petal. "It begins in the lungs, a flutter, a cough. Then the petals come, followed by full blossoms. They grow inside you, and if allowed to continue, they'll strangle you from the inside out, work themselves into the places where the air should be in your lungs. And whether it's suffocating on the blossoms or the roots working their way to your heart, it is lethal."

There was no embellishment in Seregil now, no music or poetry. This was not the teacher instructing his eager apprentice or the bard putting on a show. This was just a man looking at the person he loved most in the world and contemplating the unthinkable concept of a world without him.

"But if it is caught soon enough, there are cures. First is confessing your affections to the object of your desire. There's a bit of a gamble there. If those feelings are returned, recovery is all but guaranteed. If they're spurned... if it's early enough, the confession may be enough to stop it. If not..."

He shook his head, not wanting to continue. "There is also a magical remedy... though that is not without side effects."

[blackradley]

Alec did not know what to think of everything that Seregil stated, he wanted to get a second opinion because this seemed very romantic and sentimental and he.. well he knew that he was not. Or if he was, he was not aware of it. But with the confusion that Alec was looking at Seregil with, it was clear that Alec had no clue whatsoever who it could be, or even what to do with someone if he loved them.

But there were signs and those signs he had not really caught onto yet. Such as the way that he gravitated toward those who looked the most like Seregil, like some sort of candle. But how could he know, he did not even think that it was possible even though he felt a little bit of jealousy when he thought of Seregil's preferred companions.

But he had to think about it; and he was not always conscious of when he did so because well, they came at unbidden times and he did not have the capability at this time to put two and two together. "There is no girl, and the ones that I do know.. well." he shrugged, he had a crush on Beka when he'd arrived at Micum's homstead, but that had quickly turned into a brother and sister type relationship.

"I cannot confess if I do not know who to confess to." he said this quite calmly.

[rhimineecat]

"You... you don't know?"

Sorry, Alec. This was Seregil looking at you like you'd just gone utterly insane. Was he joking? It didn't look like a joke. He rather thought he knew Alec well enough to tell when he was joking, and this wasn't funny.

But the petals were proof, tangible and undeniable proof. Was it possible that Alec's heart had gone and found itself stolen away without letting its owner know with any awareness? He knew the boy was sheltered, and so genuinely earnest and pure-hearted, so maybe that was just Alec.

"All right. That... that actually makes this very simple then. The magic cure is our best bet. Come on. We'll need to go to Oreska. Nysander is, as always, our best bet."

Would Alec find it strange that Seregil had mentioned side effects of the magical cure, but now didn't seem at all concerned with them?

Some of the tension in him eased. "My bath can wait, and this really should not. Grab your coat. The rain isn't done with us, Tali."

[blackradley]

"No, I really don't." he looked confused and a bit chagrined; it was slower growth then normal after all. As far as Seregil could see, it came at a half pace, certainly not as plentiful and only a few petals here and there, and maybe that was because of his half Aurenfaie that had slowed the growth a bit.

Regardless to say, he dug his heels in.

Because Alec remembered, Alec always remembered-- he was a fucking elephant like that.

"Side effects, you mentioned side effects to magical cures. So what are they, Tali? I need to know the side-effects." he was really got going anywhere until Seregil explained it all-- explained everything that was relevant to this cure he spoke of.

[rhimineecat]

"You are infuriating, Tali," Seregil murmured, even as he let the back of his fingers brush along Alec's cheek, soft and achingly affectionate. "I am supposed to be the cat here, and yet curiosity is going to be the death of you." The words were gentle teases, now that some of the worst panic had slipped from Seregil. Alec would be all right.

And that was really all Seregil needed, though he suddenly had to fight a coughing fit of his own. No, nono. Not now. Hold it together. He managed to keep it to a clearing of his throat as he stepped back.

"The cause of the affliction is love, so that is what the magical cure removes. All the love that is causing it, all the memories of emotions you have of this person, they will be gone. It doesn't leave any hatred in its place or anything so dramatic though. Just nothing. Emptiness to give you room to breathe freely again. But if you don't even know who it is, then I imagine it may not even be noticeable?"

[blackradley]

The words, lookimg into Seregil's panicked eyes and seeing his favorite colour there-- silver.

But also that caress against his cheek brought a purr to the back of his throat, it felt good and right and he wished for more of it. Instincts were the only thing guiding him, always had been. The aching closeness that he felt for Seregil that he thought was deep abiding friendship; if Seregil never stopped it, that would be quite alright; he'd be happy.

It was easier to not give way to Jealousy when he did not have a reminder that there were other people that caught Seregil's eyes, and his own dalliance at Eirual's place had been to well make it something he had chosen instead of something he had been sorcerered into. But there were things he far preferred doing, and he had gone out that night to search for Seregil. If there was anywhere in the world he gravitated to, it was Tali.

"Before we take drastic measures at that, give me time to think of who it could be." and quite seriously. "I would like to think on it, if you do not mind too much, and if I can't figure it out myself within two days then I will go with you to the Oreska."

Alec hoped that would be a suitable compromise.

[rhimineecat]

Seregil couldn't quite help himself, he let his touch linger, given that Alec did not seem to mind it. It was a reassurance to himself that Alec was not quite so far gone that he could slip away from him before Seregil could do something to stop it.

He sighed, clearly defeated. "Two days then. And no longer than that. And if things worsen in that time, then I will truss you up in ropes and drag you to the Oreska myself, and the whole city will wonder what Lord Seregil and Sir Alec get up to in our spare time." Kidding, but also one hundred percent serious. It also meant that Seregil would have to stop his own restlessly melancholy wandering for the next couple days. He would not be leaving Alec's side.

This would prove challenging given his own condition. The longer he spent with the object of his affection, so wonderfully close but so achingly far, the blossoms in his own lungs seemed to surge like flowers bathed in their own personal sunlight. But it would be fine. He was Aurenfaie, and had survived worse before.

Another quiet sigh and he leaned in and up -- they were of a height near enough that it was quite an easy, natural motion -- and pressed his lips to Alec's forehead. "You will be the reason my beautiful hair goes gray before my time, you know. I'm sure I can feel the strands threatening to turn even now."

[blackradley]

"Well I suppose it is better to wonder in that way then to give away our nighttime activities in the shadows of Rhiminee." Alec said with a wry smile, those blue eyes giving off wonderous light as he started to head back toward the little counter of the kitchen area; both him and Seregil usually took their dinners either in the finer establishment or at the Oreska house (because they were Nysander's boys and he was hellbent on feeding them and caring for them in their own way) but Alec had taken about stocking the larder with things for snacks.

In case they did not want to go out; forethought was that.

Alec then looked to Seregil as he placed the cheese and dried salami on a plate, with slices of crusty bread, and the melted cheese he'd placed over it. "Did you accomplish much on your walk this afternoon evening?" he inquired as he carried the plate over toward the couch where they could have a comfortable coze.

[rhimineecat]

"Look at you spotting all the bright sides today," Seregil remarked wryly with a shake of his head. Yes, much better for folks to speculate that Lord Seregil and his young protege played bondage games in their spare time rather than being secret spies for Skala. Yup.

For a moment he hung back, watching Alec wander back to the kitchen. This place had wound up feeling more and more like home, the longer Alec stayed. The stocked larder, the lively conversations, the quieter sounds of another person he trusted and cared for simply existing.

And the damnable questions. Seregil did wonder at their shit luck that they both could be afflicted with this same malady at the same time, and he hoped that his own case of the malady hadn't somehow been catchy enough to jump start Alec's. He'd feel tremendously guilty at that.

As Alec worked at plating their snacks, he subtly tried to hide a cough of his own into a handkerchief pulled hastily from a pocket -- and repocketed just as quickly, without looking to see what he knew he'd find there, those honeyed gold and cerulean blue. He shook his head. "Disappointingly little. I thought I had an interesting source, but it turned out to be nothing worth pursuing."

And like a dutiful puppy he followed along with Alec back to the couch, settling with at least some pantomime of the usual casual ease.

[blackradley]

Both of them were inclined to get itchy feet when it came to adventure, though Alec would never had known where to get those leads, the very fact that Seregil was out pursuing them-- that was rather nice all things told, better to think about that then the surge of jealousy he felt whenever he was faced with his.. no not his, but Seregil's foray to the Green Lanterned house with the green eyed boy he'd seen draped over him.

Out of sight, out of mind.

But somewhere in his subconscious mind, he wondered what it would be like to drape over Seregil, feel that hand trailing lightly against his skin. Perhaps every since that night he'd had a few dreams that had fled with the light of sun through the curtains-- of silver eyes and a sensually curved smile that was maddeningly teasing.

He settled the plate on his thigh and settled in close. It was a couch that could fit four comfortably but it was funny how he was used to closeness, had been used to it when he and Micum and Seregil had shared a pallet together, with his back tucked up against Seregil's front, with those arms wrapped around him; and with Micum's snores filling the air around them.

"If you need anything else, just tell me." Ruetha also hopped up, not wanting to be left out of this cuddle pile.

[rhimineecat]

Illior's eyes, they really could do with a decent job right now. Maybe that sort of distraction would help him keep the worst of the overgrowth from his chest a little longer, while he desperately searched for some secret fourth option to the '(1) confess and impose his feeling son Alec in a way he refused to do, (2) let some wizard pull these feelings for the other rom him which was unthinkable and not an option at all, or (3) die?' situation he'd found himself in.

Alec settled in so close, it was a wonderful torture, bespoke in a way that it was both the best and worst thing that Seregil could think of. He took a slow breath to steady himself.

Father. Brother. Friend. Lover. Already all but that final piece, and no. He couldn't.

Well he half expected he could have coaxed the boy to his bed if he truly tried, but he wouldn't. That would not be fair to Alec, and Seregil would not be the one to ask him for things he had no business wanting. He'd decided that their friendship would be enough, would have to be enough. Then this damnable affliction and its melodramatic tragedy, made for poetry not for someone to actually live through.

"No, this is perfect..." Too perfect. That was part of the problem.

He snagged a morsel of fruit from the plate, popping it into his mouth. And then he seemingly began choking on it, except nope, no, that wasn't what he was choking on at all. The couching wracked his shoulders, and he could feel them welling up in the back of his throat, larger than the petals had felt. Ah well, fuck him. Again that handkerchief to his mouth to hide it away, to catch the lovely little flowers that fell in showers of gold and blue from his lips.

[blackradley]

"Seregil, are you alright?" Alec had noticed this time around, it was unavoidable now that they were on the couch and sharing space in a comfortable way that felt like every breath from Seregil was his own, and then he caught the handkechief coming to Seregil's mouth, something a bit frightened came to his mind.

Was.. Seregil? But no, he couldn't be.

But....

"Do you need some water, some ale? I think we also have some honey mead." the young man cared too much and too deeply, and it was very apparent in his eyes as he watched Seregil. And the soft press of his fingers to that cheek, in a manner that he had learned from Seregil. He had learned it because Seregil was very effusive with affection; he searched those eyes with a strange sort of perception.. as if he was a hairsbreadth away from plucking Seregil's secret from him.

All it would take was a single petal.

[rhimineecat]

Seregil was going to need Alec to be less Alec right now, because everything about him had Seregil wanting to fall into those arms, and the steel-sure knowledge that he could not and should not, made breathing all the harder. He fought another wracking cough, for a moment, handkerchief remaining quite solidly in place for a moment until he was certain it had passed.

He shook his head, barely movement at all, like he didn't want to do anything to interrupt the warm touch of those fingers at his face.

Meeting that gaze, those eyes that he saw in his dreams, eyes so purely, vibrantly blue that he couldn't even bring himself to put the truth of them to page because he felt like that would break the secret to any who saw. Fuck, truly. And as secrets went, it was a poorly kept one. Micum knew already. That he was in love with Alec, not that he was currently dying from it. That detail hadn't been evident the last time he'd seen his friend.

Seregil let his gaze drop from Alec's. He hated lying to him. "I will be fine. Too much time in the rain, perhaps."

When he was confident the fit was through he lowered the handkerchief, careful to fold it as he did, to slip it straight back into his pocket. He was good with sleight of hand, and it was well accomplished.

If only it hadn't been for the single cerulean blue petal that had caught on his lower lip.

[blackradley]

His eyes strayed to the petal and then.. he knew, knew why Seregil had been so knowledgeable about this-- because he was similarly afflicted but.. Seregil probably knew who it was that held his heart.

He reached up and slowly plucked the petal from that mouth and held it up. His mind was working, he was clever-- just there was a part of him that was a bit more slow and steady when coming to conclusions.

He finally sat back though carefully moving the plate to a little spool table made of fine oak, and said very quietly because it was the only conclusion he could think of. "Is it.. your green-eyed boy? The one who is your favorite?"

[rhimineecat]

Seregil's eyes widened as he watched Alec hold up the petal. Well, damn his carelessness. He was silent as he looked at Alec, holding his breath for a moment. Half because he didn't want to have another coughing fit and half because Alec was clever -- too clever by half sometimes, for his own good -- and Seregil knew he'd not hidden his affections quite so well as he should have and--

"Who?"

A genuinely bewildered look because in thinking of love, the pretty boy from the Street of Lights had never come to mind. He was pleasant company yes, carnally and otherwise, but he wasn't any more than that. It took him a moment to make the connection, but he shook his head.

"No, it isn't him." If it were, that would be simpler, wouldn't it? "It's someone else, someone whose heart is not mine to ask for. Someone I won't burden with this." He summoned up his best simulation of his usual unworried wry smile. "Not to worry, mm? I've been running down options."

[blackradley]

"What other options are there, for you that is?" he thought perhaps he could learn something from Seregil through all this, because well didn't Seregil know best (though truth be told, Alec had come far from thinking Seregil was absolute, something that would also change as the balance tipped more to equals than anything else.

And that balance had been shifting day by day until they were almost standing on the same dais now.

A spike of relief that it wasn't that pretty man on Lights Street. But that was undercut by the fact that it was someone and.. it wasn't him. He said with such touching earnestness. "I think that, anyone would be happy to have your affections, Tali and well.. have you ever thought about telling this person? That seems to me to be the best bet."

[rhimineecat]

Oh thank the Four that Alec had come to his senses about Seregil always knowing best. Seregil made a real good show of knowing what he was doing, but Alec had learned by now that one of his strongest skills was acting so. Here he was acting like it was fine and his heart wasn't breaking in real time.

This time with the Rhiminee cat out of the bag when the coughing fit took him, he didn't try to hide the fit of coughing that came over him, doubling over as if the yearning and hopelessness that grew with each kind, gentle word that Alex spoke to him. With that sweet Tali that Seregil wished meant what he wanted it to mean from Alec's lips. This time it was a tumble of gold and blue blossoms and they collected in Seregil's lap. He picked one up to twirl between his fingers. They'd be beautiful if they weren't, well, what they were.

Once he had his breath, he looked up with a smile, quiet and rueful. And longing. Light, so much longing.

"I am not his type, I think. But more than that, I fear he would feel some obligation to... well. To give me something he doesn't truly want to give. He deserves better than me, Tali. He deserves the world. And he owes me nothing. And all I can offer is well, a strange shadowy life of danger and secrets."

And oh Alec had taken to that life as if born to it. But. Billairy's Balls he was perfect and he couldn't ask Alec for more than he'd already given so freely. Seregil was a selfish man, but even he apparently had a limit.

"In any case, I am looking for some way to remove the affliction but not lose the feelings. Or at least to slow the blooms a while longer."

[blackradley]

The talk of this paragon that had caught Seregil's eyes made Alec cough, and it was a near substantial puff and he had coughed up three varying silver and black petals, and then he wiped his mouth and said rather quietly. "He seems like a very nice fellow..." he would be supportive, would always be supportive even if that did not include him, which maybe meant that he would waist away quietly; his own sickness would not be dramatic or outright.

A quiet sort of wither.

It was because well, he clasped his hands together and then said this very quietly as his brain suddenly made the connection. "It must hurt because you know, he.. married to Kari." yes, his brain had gone there. It surely must be Micum, because who else could it be but him-- he'd known from his and Kari's discussion that Seregil had been in love with Micum and now that may have been validation enough that it was him.

[rhimineecat]

And here was Seregil blinking at Alec. He held up his hands and shook his head, this time with a laugh, surprised because at least Micum was a closer guess than the green-eyed man he occasionally visited in the Street of Lights. But a closer guess that was still galaxies away from the true answer, who was sitting there looking so forlorn too. "Oh nono. No it isn't Micum. There was a time, yes, when I suppose I thought I was in love with him, but it did not lead to this, and those days are gone. He was meant for Kari, and she for him, and I adore them both as family."

His laughter stopped as he reached out to brush another wayward petal from Alec's lips. "Did you want to guess again, Tali? I have heard the third time is the charm." It was meant to be playful, but there was a deep and aching yearning in the words.

"Though it might be a better use of our time to try to guess the source of your mysterious feelings. Because one way or another, we will have you cured of this as soon as we're able. I won't sit by and watch you suffer. And I will not lose you to this." It wasn't even an option that Seregil would allow himself to entertain.

Was there something hypocritical in him? Oh yes, very much so. But this wasn't the first time he'd indulged in hypocrisy, nor would it be the last.

[blackradley]

Well it wasn't Nysander, and it certainly was not Thero; he would have been killed for saying that even jokingly. That left.. and then he paused, and it was a stillness like a deer feeling something in the forest that he knew he had to tread carefully upon, picking up a petal and looking down at it, the silver of Seregil's eyes, and then he glanced over at Seregil and then his breath caught.

Surely it could not be, could it?

But...

He just needed to make the two threads combine, but first he would say very carefully and cautiously. "You.. is it, I do not want to think too much of myself but.. surely you can't be in love with.." oh Alec was struggling, "Me..?" because he could not comprehend that, he was nothing special. He was Alec i Amasa, rather boring truth told. He was not wonderfully charismatic nor particularly effusive with anything. The look before one leapt type, the one who kept the home fires burning and it almost seemed ridiculous that he should even make that guess.

His plummage was not bright nor was it particularly fascinating, browns and greens like the forest.

[rhimineecat]

If Alec had suggested Thero, Seregil would not have to worry about wasting away as is lungs choked with flowers because he'd have laughed himself to death right here and right now. There were absurd ideas and then there was things that went so far beyond absurd they made nonsense look utterly rational by comparison.

But honestly, when Alec kept talking, maybe Seregil wished he had guessed Nysander or Thero.

Instead he watched his beautiful, observant, clever friend find the truth and hold it up to the light that Seregil had tried so hard to hide it from. It felt like the reading of charges, of a crime. He froze, motionless. Perhaps as the hunter he was, Alec would recognize the look of panic, like a deer caught in the sights of predator.

Of course Alec had guessed it. Of course.

Seregil eventually remembered to breathe, taking a deep inhale to steady himself, and his eyes slipped away from Alec's, feeling far too guilty to look into those eyes any longer. Or maybe he was just a coward who didn't want to face what he'd find there.

His first answer was silent, the faintest motion of a nod. Yes, Alec.

It took a moment for Seregil to find his voice. "I'm so sorry, Ta... Alec." He did not deserve to call him that so casually. "But I meant what I said earlier. I won't ask this of you. And you do not owe me anything. I will solve this for myself." And he would not, would never, stand in the way of Alec following his own heart.

"And whoever it is that has your heart, I will be happy for you, truly. I only hope she realizes what a treasure it is."

[blackradley]

"Hmmm..." Alec said as he felt strangely light, and the choking within him seemed to stop, it was like the unfurling of something within him, like he was not so squeezed and bereft of air at certain times. It was not Micum, even though he guessed it. It was himself, and he placed his hands in his lap as he thought about it consideringly.

He remembered the surge of something as he had remembered what he'd felt upon seeing Seregil with his paramour, he thought about thinking that Seregil was beautiful at certain intervals and it was a far deeper from the surface; oh gods the thoughts that whirlwinded through him was like a riotstorm though his visage remained perfectly placid.

Too many thoughts in his head right now.

But he felt.. happy? Relieved that no one would take Seregil away even though he would have been happy for Seregil's happiness. Seregil must have known that Alec would not rush blindly into something nor would he make any outright decisions. But he needed to do something, anything to verify the core thought in his mind.

Did he feel the same for Seregil?

There was only one way to find out. He glanced upward at Seregil and then said very calmly. "Would you.. kiss me? I want to see how it feels, kissing you." as if some strange secret would be revealed from such a method.